The Card Game 2011
Rev 1.2
By Bob Naquin
This is the sequel to The Card Game.
Players; 2 men and 3 women,
Props
One inflatable sex doll w/ handcuffs
Cards
Table w four chairs
Doorbell
Kitchen counter
Bottle of tea
2 shot glasses
2 regular glasses
Fruit cake
Scenes-one
Time- 20 minutes
The Players:
Rose and Bob: This couple has been married forever and they feign dislike for each other. But the bottom line is that they have been married forever and will stay that way. They both know it. Bob drinks a bit and he has a bottle on the table with him and a shot glass. He takes generous doses of this as the play moves on. Rose is drinking a cup of tea.
Liz and Ray: Also been married forever but are quite content with each other and show it. Well maybe not as content as they once were since meeting Rose and Bob a year ago. Liz is a bit of an airhead but lovable enough. Ray has developed a taste for the liquor during the last year or so.
Dolores: Over the hill sex kitten who still likes to play the field. The field is small and dusty at her age but she still likes to play it. Big hair, high heels, caprice pants are the tools she uses to attract her unwitting next mate. She just recently became a widow-AGAIN
Nick: The recently deceased. We knew he wouldn’t last. Was it a Viagra overdose, over performing in the sack, or did Dolores just kill him off like so many before him?
Lea King: An inflatable love doll.
Each of the players holds a handful of cards and there are more laid on the table. Rose selects one from the top of the deck places it in her hand and starts laying down sets of three cards in front of her and places the last of her cards on the pile by the deck
1.Rose: excitedly Gin! We won AGAIN Liz!
2.Bob and Ray’s heads fall heavily to the table as though it is just another in the countless humiliations they have had to suffer.
3.Liz; Amazed Wow! How many games in a row have we won now?
4.Rose: Well we have known you two for just over a year. And we play once a week. And we play 3 games each night. So I make it about a thousand. Somewhere around that number.
5.Liz: innocently: I guess you are right. We have never lost a game to these knuckleheads.
6.Ray: slurring Oh get over chorself Liz.
7.Liz; accusingly Maybe the reason you lose is because you drink so much Ray.
8.Ray: slurring a bit more. Maybe I lose so I can chustify having anothers drink to dull the pain. So put a shock in it Liz.
9.Liz: Warning him. Just remember Buster that life is not like a box of chocolates.
10.Ray: No? Wassit like then?
11.Liz: Like jalapenos. What you say today may burn your butt tomorrow.
12.Bob: lifting his head for the first time Did someone say we should drink?
13.Rose: disgusted You old sot. When did anyone ever have to say it?
14.Bob: defending himself: The doctor said that two drinks a day would be healthy for me.
15.Rose to Liz; Yeah and he is already up to the year 2050.
16.Bob: Whatever. You know alcohol has a lot of female hormones in it so you should try some.
17.Rose: unbelievingly. Female hormones? Really?
18.Ray: perking up at a new excuse to drink. Weally?
19.Bob: Yeah really. If a man drinks enough of it he quits making any sense and can no longer drive a car so it must have female hormones in it.
20.Rose: Funny Bob.
21.Bob: to Ray, Delicately-putting on airs while reaching for the bottle; May I offer you a fine American aperitif kind sir?
22.Ray holding out his glass with pinky extended and saying quickly: Oh I don’t know lets meeze think about it chyes.
23.Bob pours Ray a drink, obviously it is not the first for either one and the boys settle back to enjoy while the girls add up the score.
24.Liz: Let’s see at a penny a point, including the last game, and what you owe us from previous games; you now owe us hesitating Enough for us to pay off the National debt! Well at least it will be enough if we do it before it goes up again.
25.Liz and Rose have a good laugh and bump knuckles across the table.
26.Rose: You guys want something to eat?
27.Ray: Sure what are our choices?
28.Rose snidely; Yes or no.
29.Ray; sheepishly: Yes.
30.The girls get up and go into the kitchen
31.Ray: She can be kind of mean huh?
32.Bob: Oh she is all right.
33.The boys busy themselves with their cards and drinks.
34.The scene switches to the girls fixing food in the kitchen.
35.Rose: looking down at the floor; Sweetie, what would you like? Chicken, beef or lamb.
36.Bob: from other room loudly, thinking she has changed her mind; He nudges Ray and says : See I told you she could be nice. Thanks Honey, I would like some beef please.
37.Rose; loudly back I was talking to the cat you idiot. You are getting fruit cake.
38.laugh pause
39.Liz: I always like coming over here and all of the goodies that go along with it.
40.Rose: sweetly Well can I interest you in some fruit cake that one of my dearest friends brought to me?
41.Liz; unbelievingly Don’t tell me you still have the fruit cake that Dolores brought over to you two Christmases ago?
42.Rose; Well I am certainly not going to eat that stuff. But it is still good. I think this fruit cake dates back to the Taft administration. Unlike love, a fruit cake seems to last forever.
43.Liz; Yeah it probably does. But we shouldn’t pick on poor Dolores and her fruitcake. She is still grieving over the lost of poor dear Nick.
44.Rose: Poor Dear Nick!!!. Are you kidding? Did you hear how he died?
45.Liz: No I just assumed that Dolores sucked the life force out of him. And then just left him a lifeless husk..
46.Rose: You could not be further from the truth.
47.Liz; Really? What happened to him? Did he die of a Viagra overdose or something? They say it is not good to mix that Viagra with alcohol. To herself I keep telling Ray that but he won’t listen. It does keep him from rolling out of bed though.
48.Laugh pause
49.Rose: No it wasn’t that either. At least I don’t think it was. They found that old rascal dead of a heart attack at a topless bar. Can you believe it?
50.Liz: Wow! At his age you would think that a woman like Dolores would have been enough for him.
51.Rose: Yeah. You would think. Maybe he just wanted to see a woman with a tattooed kitten on her breast. Well a kitten that had not yet turned into a giraffe.
52.Liz; laughing That is a terrible thing to say.
53.Rose: You laughed. And who would have thought that old dog Nick had enough energy to go bury his bone in someone else’s backyard.
54.Liz: Who would have thought?
55.Rose: Changing the subject, Have you met the new people over on Mill Pond.
56.Liz: Yeah I did. His name is Dick and he worked for the railroad but somehow he got injured on the job. That is why he is in the wheelchair. And I forget her name but I see her over at Costco all of the time. I think she might work there.
57.Rose; No No No. His name is Dirk and he was a mortgage broker.
58.Liz; Really??
59.Rose: Yeah. And he didn’t get hurt working for the railroad. He got hit by a train. Confidentially to Liz. I hear that they were playing some sort of kinky bondage game over on the railroad tracks by Library Park and it all went bad.
60.Liz: Yikes! Bondage game near the railroad. That is kinky. At their age anything is kinky.
61.Rose: I guess!
62.Liz; It doesn’t make them bad people though.
63.Rose; You always have the nicest things to say about people. Here. Give me a hand with these snacks.
64.The attention switches back to the guys.
65.Ray; slurring I don’t want to be nosey or anything, and we have been friends for quite a while and all, and if you don’t want to talk about it I will understand, but what the heck are you doing with that inflatable doll?
66.Bob gets up shakily and gets the doll. Funny story about this doll. I bought it at a garage sale over on Mill Pond. It seems like the guy who owned it had been treating it like it was his girlfriend. He must have sobered up and then realized it was just an inflatable doll. He got mad and sold it. He is a bit of a dunce. He has great looking teeth though. They sparkle. Puts the doll at a seat at the table.
67.Ray: Yeah I know the guy. He is weird. He dresses like Liberace. What are you going to do with the doll? Not what I think, I hope.
68.Bob: No No. I was going to enter into this year’s board of director’s election. (city council election)
69.Ray; Yeah it could win. I guess one dummy filled with a lot of air is pretty much as good as another. The guys laugh, bump knuckles and have another drink
70.Quietly for a minute.
71.Ray: How has your health been?
72.Bob: Okay. But I think I am getting senile though. I am always forgetting to zip up my pants.
73.Ray; Trust me. That is not senile. Senile is when you forget to zip them down.
74.Bob: thinking I guess you are right. I went to the doctor thinking I was building up fluid on my knee.
75.Ray; Whats did he shay?
76.Bob: He told me it was just that my aim was bad.
77.Laugh pause
78.Bob again: And I had a bad cough last week but I took some laxative for it and it stopped.
79.Ray: Quizzically You shtook laxative for a cough?
80.Bob; Yeah. After taking a bunch of laxative I was too scared to cough.
81.laugh pause
82.They sip their drinks for a couple of minutes.
83.Bob: Are you and Liz still doing all of those things up at the clubhouse?
84.Ray: Yeah but I am getting tired of it. She has me going to that darned walking class three times a week.
85.Bob: Walking class huh? That could be dangerous.
86.Ray: Really? hic How could that be dangerous?
87.Bob: Well when my brother turned 60 his doctor told him to walk five miles a day.
88.Ray; hic That shounds like good advice. Hows did that work out for him?
89.Bob; I don’t know. He would be 72 now and we have no idea where he went.
90.Laugh pause
91.Quietly drink for a minute.
92.Bob: How is your memory? I remember you said you were having problems with it last year.
93.Ray: taking a drink I am shtill having trouble remembering words like………uhh. hic
94.Bob: When did that start?
95.Ray: When did what start?
96.Bob: Wow! That is bad. Lucky for me my system is still working well for me- knock on wood. He knocks on the table. Getting up. Hang on someone is at the door.
97.Ray; looking at him unbelievingly: That was you knocking on the table. Use-a moron. Sarcastically I can see that your memory is really good. Give me another drink.
98.Ray: again How are you and Rose getting along these days?
99.Bob: Good. We go out to dinner twice a week for a change of pace, some good food and some good companionship.
100.Ray; Well that sounds nice.
101.Bob: It is. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.
102.Laugh pause
103.Bob: AND I finally got her to quit nagging me about putting the toilet seat back down.
104.Ray: I am afraid to ask how you managed that. hiccup
105.Bob: Easy. I just use the sink now. laugh pause
106.Bob: How about you and Liz? Still all lovey dovey?
107.Ray: slurring Not so much any more. I am thinking of getting a divorce. I don’t know how I made her mad but she hasn’t talked to me for two weeks.
108.Bob: You might want to reconsider a divorce. A woman who won’t talk for two weeks is going to be hard to replace.
109.laugh pause
110.Ray: And I am beginning to think cheese not so bright any more.
111.Bob: Why do you say that?
112.Ray; Well the other night the naybors dog was just barking on and on. It was being a real nooseance So she went get the dog and put it in our yard.
113.Bob: Why did she do that?
114.Ray; Dat’s watt I ashed her? Chee said, “Now let’s see how they like listening to it bark”
115.Laugh pause
116.Bob: Well she is still a good woman.
117.Ray; I shapose you are right. Besides she brought religion into my life.
118.Bob: Really?
119.Ray: Yeah. I now believe in Hell. Laugh pause
120.Bob: Well Rose seems to think that God lives in our bathroom.
121.Ray: Really? In the bathroom?
122.Bob; Yeah. Whenever I get settled in on the throne with the sports page she starts beating on the door and yelling, “God? Are you still in there?”
123.Ray: I undashtand. I thinks it is Liz’s job to bitch and my job to give her a season, I mean reason.
124.Bob: I know what you mean. Sometimes I just think I say the wrong thing to Rose too.
125.Ray: Like what?
126.Bob: Well the other day Rose was standing naked in front of the mirror looking at herself when I came in. She says, using a girly voice “I have gotten so old and wrinkled I am really feeling down. I need someone to pay me a compliment.” So I did.
127.Ray: What did you tell her?
128.Bob: I told her that her eyesight was darn near perfect.
129.laugh pause
130.The girls return just as Ray is finishing this story.
131.Rose: Very funny Bob.
132.Liz: What did I miss?
133.Ray: eager to explain Well Bob was shaying how he found Rose nekeed in fron of the mirror…
134.Rose: Interrupting angrily That is enough Ray. Bob, I told you not to tell that story ever again.
135.Bob: Oh come on. It’s funny.
136.Rose: Really? How about when you went down to apply for Social Security without your ID. You want me to tell that story?
137.Bob: defensively Now Rose. We don’t have to bring that up again.
138.Liz: excitedly I want to hear about it. Tell me.
139.Rose: Well when Bob turned 65 he went down to apply for his Social Security. But he forgot his ID. And when the lady said he had to have proof of his age he showed her the gray hair on his chest. When she saw how gray his hair was she gave him his Social Security.
140.Liz: What is so funny about that?
141.Rose: Well when he came home and told me about it, I told him he should have lowered his pants and applied for disability too.
142.Everyone but Bob laughs.
143.Bob: Ha Ha. Very funny. Making a fist. Ray, I never knew what happiness was until I married Rose.
144.Ray; Really?
145.Bob: Yes. But by that time it was too late..
146.The doorbell rings.
147.Rose: getting up to answer it: Now who could that be?
148.She opens the door and there is Dolores with another fruit cake.
149.Rose; with feigned cordiality; Hello Dolores. Come on in.
150.Dolores in her normal upbeat mood: Hello everyone.
151.Ray: quietly to Bob. Ishun’t that Nick’s widow? The woman in the neighborhood dats so easy?
152.Bob: Slightly less quiet but with a knowing manner She is not ‘easy’. She is just horizontally accessible.
153.Ray; kind of quietly Didn’t she marry Nick because his father left him a fortune.
154.Bob: Oh No. Not at all. She would have married him no matter who left him a fortune.
155.Dolores; handing Rose a fruit cake Bob told me how much you enjoyed last year’s fruit cake so I thought I would bring you another one.
156.Rose glaring at Bob; He did, did he? Well I did enjoy the last one. So this year I am going to let Bob enjoy this one all by himself. She plunks down the loaf heavily in front of Bob.
157.Liz: I am so sorry to hear that Nick passed on.
158.Dolores; Don’t be sorry. He was a cheating S.O.B.
159.Liz; Now, Dolores, they say you should only speak good of the dead.
160.Dolores: Really? thinks for a minute Well then Nick is dead. Good!
161.Liz; I am sure you will find someone else.
162.Dolores: I am working on it. First I have to lose a few pounds. I thought that moving into a neighborhood near such a nice gym would help, but it hasn’t.
163.Rose; Really?
164.Dolores: No it hasn’t. Apparently you have to go to the gym for it to work.
165.Bob: Who could have known that?
166.Dolores; Well if God had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
167.Bob: Yeah right next to your nipp—-. Rose slams a hand over his mouth to keep him from finishing what he is about to say.
168.Ray: Shay I don’t go to the gym and I feel like a baby.
169.Dolores: eyeing Bob suspiciously and trying to figure out what he almost said. Then sweetly to Ray. Do you, Ray?
170.Ray; Sure. I have no hair, no teeth. And I think I just peed myself.
171.The guys laugh and pour another drink.
172.Rose: shaking her head Nice Ray
173.Dolores: Well you guys are playing cards so I won’t keep you. I just wanted to drop off the fruit cake. She turns to leave.
174.Rose: feeling sorry for her: Well if you get lonely just come on by and we will keep you company.
175.Dolores; Still upbeat Oh don’t worry about me. I hear there have been a few break-ins in the neighborhood and maybe I will get lucky.
176.Rose: Lucky? With a break in?
177.Dolores; primping her hair Yeah. Someone desperate enough to break into this neighborhood should be desperate enough to succumb to my considerable charms, don’t you think?
178.Rose: Well that is a little extreme.
179.Dolores: I know. I know. But I just want to find a boy friend that is thin, neat, sensitive, and kind.
180.Rose; Sweetie, guys like that already have boyfriends.
181.Dolores: I suppose you are right. Well any more getting lucky for me means finding my car at the Wal Mart she leaves
182.Liz: She seems to be taking the loss of Nick well.
183.Rose: Good for her that she is taking it so well.
184.Liz: She should probably get a dog.
185.Ray; Really! Uze shtink a dog would be a good companion for her?
186.Bob: Sure. After a year the dog will still be excited to see her.
187.Liz: Well I just wish everyone could be as happy as Ray and I are.
188.Ray: under his breath to Bob. I would be a lot happier if she wouldn’t nag me about my drinking.
189.Liz: sweetly yet in a sinister manner. WHAT did you say Ray?
190.Ray: I shed I was very happy. Couldn’t be happier, happy as a friggin clam is me. Yep Yep very very happy dear.
191.Bob: You big Wuss.
192.Rose: WHAT did you say Bob?
193.Bob: I said I was happy that Ray is almost as happy as I am dear.
194.Rose: That is what I thought you said.
195.Liz: now that they have the boys back in line. It has been a year since we have moved here and it has gone by so fast.
196.Rose: Time does tend to pick up speed as we go over the hill doesn’t it?
197.Liz: But living in our little piece of paradise does make it all okay.
198.Rose: It sure does. She picks up the cards and starts shuffling. Another game anyone? The guys groan and pour more drinks.
199.Bob: Picking up his cards. Okay then. Double or nothing and the loser has to eat the fruit cake.
200.Ray: sha-im-in. picking up cards and dropping most of them.
201.Rose: They are never going to pay anyway so we just as well go double down.
202.Liz; Oh let’s just play and be happy. .
203.Ray: to Bob Maybe weeze should just shart eating the fruit cake now?
204.End
