Rev 1.2

By Bob Naquin

This is the sequel to The Card Game.

Players; 2 men and 3 women,

Props

One inflatable sex doll w/ handcuffs

Cards

Table w four chairs

Doorbell

Kitchen counter

Bottle of tea

2 shot glasses

2 regular glasses

Fruit cake

Scenes-one

Time- 20 minutes

The Players:

Rose and Bob: This couple has been married forever and they feign dislike for each other. But the bottom line is that they have been married forever and will stay that way. They both know it. Bob drinks a bit and he has a bottle on the table with him and a shot glass. He takes generous doses of this as the play moves on. Rose is drinking a cup of tea.

Liz and Ray: Also been married forever but are quite content with each other and show it. Well maybe not as content as they once were since meeting Rose and Bob a year ago. Liz is a bit of an airhead but lovable enough. Ray has developed a taste for the liquor during the last year or so.

Dolores: Over the hill sex kitten who still likes to play the field. The field is small and dusty at her age but she still likes to play it. Big hair, high heels, caprice pants are the tools she uses to attract her unwitting next mate. She just recently became a widow-AGAIN

Nick: The recently deceased. We knew he wouldn’t last. Was it a Viagra overdose, over performing in the sack, or did Dolores just kill him off like so many before him?

Lea King: An inflatable love doll.

Each of the players holds a handful of cards and there are more laid on the table. Rose selects one from the top of the deck places it in her hand and starts laying down sets of three cards in front of her and places the last of her cards on the pile by the deck

1.Rose: excitedly Gin! We won AGAIN Liz!

2.Bob and Ray’s heads fall heavily to the table as though it is just another in the countless humiliations they have had to suffer.

3.Liz; Amazed Wow! How many games in a row have we won now?

4.Rose: Well we have known you two for just over a year. And we play once a week. And we play 3 games each night. So I make it about a thousand. Somewhere around that number.

5.Liz: innocently: I guess you are right. We have never lost a game to these knuckleheads.

6.Ray: slurring Oh get over chorself Liz.

7.Liz; accusingly Maybe the reason you lose is because you drink so much Ray.

8.Ray: slurring a bit more. Maybe I lose so I can chustify having anothers drink to dull the pain. So put a shock in it Liz.

9.Liz: Warning him. Just remember Buster that life is not like a box of chocolates.

10.Ray: No? Wassit like then?

11.Liz: Like jalapenos. What you say today may burn your butt tomorrow.

12.Bob: lifting his head for the first time Did someone say we should drink?

13.Rose: disgusted You old sot. When did anyone ever have to say it?

14.Bob: defending himself: The doctor said that two drinks a day would be healthy for me.

15.Rose to Liz; Yeah and he is already up to the year 2050.

16.Bob: Whatever. You know alcohol has a lot of female hormones in it so you should try some.

17.Rose: unbelievingly. Female hormones? Really?

18.Ray: perking up at a new excuse to drink. Weally?

19.Bob: Yeah really. If a man drinks enough of it he quits making any sense and can no longer drive a car so it must have female hormones in it.

20.Rose: Funny Bob.

21.Bob: to Ray, Delicately-putting on airs while reaching for the bottle; May I offer you a fine American aperitif kind sir?

22.Ray holding out his glass with pinky extended and saying quickly: Oh I don’t know lets meeze think about it chyes.

23.Bob pours Ray a drink, obviously it is not the first for either one and the boys settle back to enjoy while the girls add up the score.

24.Liz: Let’s see at a penny a point, including the last game, and what you owe us from previous games; you now owe us hesitating Enough for us to pay off the National debt! Well at least it will be enough if we do it before it goes up again.

25.Liz and Rose have a good laugh and bump knuckles across the table.

26.Rose: You guys want something to eat?

27.Ray: Sure what are our choices?

28.Rose snidely; Yes or no.

29.Ray; sheepishly: Yes.

30.The girls get up and go into the kitchen

31.Ray: She can be kind of mean huh?

32.Bob: Oh she is all right.

33.The boys busy themselves with their cards and drinks.

34.The scene switches to the girls fixing food in the kitchen.

35.Rose: looking down at the floor; Sweetie, what would you like? Chicken, beef or lamb.

36.Bob: from other room loudly, thinking she has changed her mind; He nudges Ray and says : See I told you she could be nice. Thanks Honey, I would like some beef please.

37.Rose; loudly back I was talking to the cat you idiot. You are getting fruit cake.

38.laugh pause

39.Liz: I always like coming over here and all of the goodies that go along with it.

40.Rose: sweetly Well can I interest you in some fruit cake that one of my dearest friends brought to me?

41.Liz; unbelievingly Don’t tell me you still have the fruit cake that Dolores brought over to you two Christmases ago?

42.Rose; Well I am certainly not going to eat that stuff. But it is still good. I think this fruit cake dates back to the Taft administration. Unlike love, a fruit cake seems to last forever.

43.Liz; Yeah it probably does. But we shouldn’t pick on poor Dolores and her fruitcake. She is still grieving over the lost of poor dear Nick.

44.Rose: Poor Dear Nick!!!. Are you kidding? Did you hear how he died?

45.Liz: No I just assumed that Dolores sucked the life force out of him. And then just left him a lifeless husk..

46.Rose: You could not be further from the truth.

47.Liz; Really? What happened to him? Did he die of a Viagra overdose or something? They say it is not good to mix that Viagra with alcohol. To herself I keep telling Ray that but he won’t listen. It does keep him from rolling out of bed though.

48.Laugh pause

49.Rose: No it wasn’t that either. At least I don’t think it was. They found that old rascal dead of a heart attack at a topless bar. Can you believe it?

50.Liz: Wow! At his age you would think that a woman like Dolores would have been enough for him.

51.Rose: Yeah. You would think. Maybe he just wanted to see a woman with a tattooed kitten on her breast. Well a kitten that had not yet turned into a giraffe.

52.Liz; laughing That is a terrible thing to say.

53.Rose: You laughed. And who would have thought that old dog Nick had enough energy to go bury his bone in someone else’s backyard.

54.Liz: Who would have thought?

55.Rose: Changing the subject, Have you met the new people over on Mill Pond.

56.Liz: Yeah I did. His name is Dick and he worked for the railroad but somehow he got injured on the job. That is why he is in the wheelchair. And I forget her name but I see her over at Costco all of the time. I think she might work there.

57.Rose; No No No. His name is Dirk and he was a mortgage broker.

58.Liz; Really??

59.Rose: Yeah. And he didn’t get hurt working for the railroad. He got hit by a train. Confidentially to Liz. I hear that they were playing some sort of kinky bondage game over on the railroad tracks by Library Park and it all went bad.

60.Liz: Yikes! Bondage game near the railroad. That is kinky. At their age anything is kinky.

61.Rose: I guess!

62.Liz; It doesn’t make them bad people though.

63.Rose; You always have the nicest things to say about people. Here. Give me a hand with these snacks.

64.The attention switches back to the guys.

65.Ray; slurring I don’t want to be nosey or anything, and we have been friends for quite a while and all, and if you don’t want to talk about it I will understand, but what the heck are you doing with that inflatable doll?

66.Bob gets up shakily and gets the doll. Funny story about this doll. I bought it at a garage sale over on Mill Pond. It seems like the guy who owned it had been treating it like it was his girlfriend. He must have sobered up and then realized it was just an inflatable doll. He got mad and sold it. He is a bit of a dunce. He has great looking teeth though. They sparkle. Puts the doll at a seat at the table.

67.Ray: Yeah I know the guy. He is weird. He dresses like Liberace. What are you going to do with the doll? Not what I think, I hope.

68.Bob: No No. I was going to enter into this year’s board of director’s election. (city council election)

69.Ray; Yeah it could win. I guess one dummy filled with a lot of air is pretty much as good as another. The guys laugh, bump knuckles and have another drink

70.Quietly for a minute.

71.Ray: How has your health been?

72.Bob: Okay. But I think I am getting senile though. I am always forgetting to zip up my pants.

73.Ray; Trust me. That is not senile. Senile is when you forget to zip them down.

74.Bob: thinking I guess you are right. I went to the doctor thinking I was building up fluid on my knee.

75.Ray; Whats did he shay?

76.Bob: He told me it was just that my aim was bad.

77.Laugh pause

78.Bob again: And I had a bad cough last week but I took some laxative for it and it stopped.

79.Ray: Quizzically You shtook laxative for a cough?

80.Bob; Yeah. After taking a bunch of laxative I was too scared to cough.

81.laugh pause

82.They sip their drinks for a couple of minutes.

83.Bob: Are you and Liz still doing all of those things up at the clubhouse?

84.Ray: Yeah but I am getting tired of it. She has me going to that darned walking class three times a week.

85.Bob: Walking class huh? That could be dangerous.

86.Ray: Really? hic How could that be dangerous?

87.Bob: Well when my brother turned 60 his doctor told him to walk five miles a day.

88.Ray; hic That shounds like good advice. Hows did that work out for him?

89.Bob; I don’t know. He would be 72 now and we have no idea where he went.

90.Laugh pause

91.Quietly drink for a minute.

92.Bob: How is your memory? I remember you said you were having problems with it last year.

93.Ray: taking a drink I am shtill having trouble remembering words like………uhh. hic

94.Bob: When did that start?

95.Ray: When did what start?

96.Bob: Wow! That is bad. Lucky for me my system is still working well for me- knock on wood. He knocks on the table. Getting up. Hang on someone is at the door.

97.Ray; looking at him unbelievingly: That was you knocking on the table. Use-a moron. Sarcastically I can see that your memory is really good. Give me another drink.

98.Ray: again How are you and Rose getting along these days?

99.Bob: Good. We go out to dinner twice a week for a change of pace, some good food and some good companionship.

100.Ray; Well that sounds nice.

101.Bob: It is. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.

102.Laugh pause

103.Bob: AND I finally got her to quit nagging me about putting the toilet seat back down.

104.Ray: I am afraid to ask how you managed that. hiccup

105.Bob: Easy. I just use the sink now. laugh pause

106.Bob: How about you and Liz? Still all lovey dovey?

107.Ray: slurring Not so much any more. I am thinking of getting a divorce. I don’t know how I made her mad but she hasn’t talked to me for two weeks.

108.Bob: You might want to reconsider a divorce. A woman who won’t talk for two weeks is going to be hard to replace.

109.laugh pause

110.Ray: And I am beginning to think cheese not so bright any more.

111.Bob: Why do you say that?

112.Ray; Well the other night the naybors dog was just barking on and on. It was being a real nooseance So she went get the dog and put it in our yard.

113.Bob: Why did she do that?

114.Ray; Dat’s watt I ashed her? Chee said, “Now let’s see how they like listening to it bark”

115.Laugh pause

116.Bob: Well she is still a good woman.

117.Ray; I shapose you are right. Besides she brought religion into my life.

118.Bob: Really?

119.Ray: Yeah. I now believe in Hell. Laugh pause

120.Bob: Well Rose seems to think that God lives in our bathroom.

121.Ray: Really? In the bathroom?

122.Bob; Yeah. Whenever I get settled in on the throne with the sports page she starts beating on the door and yelling, “God? Are you still in there?”

123.Ray: I undashtand. I thinks it is Liz’s job to bitch and my job to give her a season, I mean reason.

124.Bob: I know what you mean. Sometimes I just think I say the wrong thing to Rose too.

125.Ray: Like what?

126.Bob: Well the other day Rose was standing naked in front of the mirror looking at herself when I came in. She says, using a girly voice “I have gotten so old and wrinkled I am really feeling down. I need someone to pay me a compliment.” So I did.

127.Ray: What did you tell her?

128.Bob: I told her that her eyesight was darn near perfect.

129.laugh pause

130.The girls return just as Ray is finishing this story.

131.Rose: Very funny Bob.

132.Liz: What did I miss?

133.Ray: eager to explain Well Bob was shaying how he found Rose nekeed in fron of the mirror…

134.Rose: Interrupting angrily That is enough Ray. Bob, I told you not to tell that story ever again.

135.Bob: Oh come on. It’s funny.

136.Rose: Really? How about when you went down to apply for Social Security without your ID. You want me to tell that story?

137.Bob: defensively Now Rose. We don’t have to bring that up again.

138.Liz: excitedly I want to hear about it. Tell me.

139.Rose: Well when Bob turned 65 he went down to apply for his Social Security. But he forgot his ID. And when the lady said he had to have proof of his age he showed her the gray hair on his chest. When she saw how gray his hair was she gave him his Social Security.

140.Liz: What is so funny about that?

141.Rose: Well when he came home and told me about it, I told him he should have lowered his pants and applied for disability too.

142.Everyone but Bob laughs.

143.Bob: Ha Ha. Very funny. Making a fist. Ray, I never knew what happiness was until I married Rose.

144.Ray; Really?

145.Bob: Yes. But by that time it was too late..

146.The doorbell rings.

147.Rose: getting up to answer it: Now who could that be?

148.She opens the door and there is Dolores with another fruit cake.

149.Rose; with feigned cordiality; Hello Dolores. Come on in.

150.Dolores in her normal upbeat mood: Hello everyone.

151.Ray: quietly to Bob. Ishun’t that Nick’s widow? The woman in the neighborhood dats so easy?

152.Bob: Slightly less quiet but with a knowing manner She is not ‘easy’. She is just horizontally accessible.

153.Ray; kind of quietly Didn’t she marry Nick because his father left him a fortune.

154.Bob: Oh No. Not at all. She would have married him no matter who left him a fortune.

155.Dolores; handing Rose a fruit cake Bob told me how much you enjoyed last year’s fruit cake so I thought I would bring you another one.

156.Rose glaring at Bob; He did, did he? Well I did enjoy the last one. So this year I am going to let Bob enjoy this one all by himself. She plunks down the loaf heavily in front of Bob.

157.Liz: I am so sorry to hear that Nick passed on.

158.Dolores; Don’t be sorry. He was a cheating S.O.B.

159.Liz; Now, Dolores, they say you should only speak good of the dead.

160.Dolores: Really? thinks for a minute Well then Nick is dead. Good!

161.Liz; I am sure you will find someone else.

162.Dolores: I am working on it. First I have to lose a few pounds. I thought that moving into a neighborhood near such a nice gym would help, but it hasn’t.

163.Rose; Really?

164.Dolores: No it hasn’t. Apparently you have to go to the gym for it to work.

165.Bob: Who could have known that?

166.Dolores; Well if God had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

167.Bob: Yeah right next to your nipp—-. Rose slams a hand over his mouth to keep him from finishing what he is about to say.

168.Ray: Shay I don’t go to the gym and I feel like a baby.

169.Dolores: eyeing Bob suspiciously and trying to figure out what he almost said. Then sweetly to Ray. Do you, Ray?

170.Ray; Sure. I have no hair, no teeth. And I think I just peed myself.

171.The guys laugh and pour another drink.

172.Rose: shaking her head Nice Ray

173.Dolores: Well you guys are playing cards so I won’t keep you. I just wanted to drop off the fruit cake. She turns to leave.

174.Rose: feeling sorry for her: Well if you get lonely just come on by and we will keep you company.

175.Dolores; Still upbeat Oh don’t worry about me. I hear there have been a few break-ins in the neighborhood and maybe I will get lucky.

176.Rose: Lucky? With a break in?

177.Dolores; primping her hair Yeah. Someone desperate enough to break into this neighborhood should be desperate enough to succumb to my considerable charms, don’t you think?

178.Rose: Well that is a little extreme.

179.Dolores: I know. I know. But I just want to find a boy friend that is thin, neat, sensitive, and kind.

180.Rose; Sweetie, guys like that already have boyfriends.

181.Dolores: I suppose you are right. Well any more getting lucky for me means finding my car at the Wal Mart she leaves

182.Liz: She seems to be taking the loss of Nick well.

183.Rose: Good for her that she is taking it so well.

184.Liz: She should probably get a dog.

185.Ray; Really! Uze shtink a dog would be a good companion for her?

186.Bob: Sure. After a year the dog will still be excited to see her.

187.Liz: Well I just wish everyone could be as happy as Ray and I are.

188.Ray: under his breath to Bob. I would be a lot happier if she wouldn’t nag me about my drinking.

189.Liz: sweetly yet in a sinister manner. WHAT did you say Ray?

190.Ray: I shed I was very happy. Couldn’t be happier, happy as a friggin clam is me. Yep Yep very very happy dear.

191.Bob: You big Wuss.

192.Rose: WHAT did you say Bob?

193.Bob: I said I was happy that Ray is almost as happy as I am dear.

194.Rose: That is what I thought you said.

195.Liz: now that they have the boys back in line. It has been a year since we have moved here and it has gone by so fast.

196.Rose: Time does tend to pick up speed as we go over the hill doesn’t it?

197.Liz: But living in our little piece of paradise does make it all okay.

198.Rose: It sure does. She picks up the cards and starts shuffling. Another game anyone? The guys groan and pour more drinks.

199.Bob: Picking up his cards. Okay then. Double or nothing and the loser has to eat the fruit cake.

200.Ray: sha-im-in. picking up cards and dropping most of them.

201.Rose: They are never going to pay anyway so we just as well go double down.

202.Liz; Oh let’s just play and be happy. .

203.Ray: to Bob Maybe weeze should just shart eating the fruit cake now?

204.End

12/04/2012

So my little journey is coming to a close, I have not been reporting very much since I have not been doing very much. Not doing very much is what I do when I am in Kona

Paul and I did make a trip to Old Airport Beach which, as name implies, is where the old airport use to be. It is also the location of the nicest beach I have seen on the Big Island; I think the locals keep it a secret. I am not sure you would want to swim at this beach but it is long and there are numerous tide pools to go explore. Also there is a very large lawn and tree area with picnic tables in place.

On New Year’s Eve I turned in my car and so it was back to getting around by Shank’s Mare, whatever that means. While the car was useful I found that not having one to deal with a relief.

I did have too many cocktails at Rosa’s on New Year’s Eve. Lea not only gave me the local price she made them strong enough to make me start speaking Hawaiian. By ten O’clock I was in bed. If it wasn’t for phone calls from the mainland I would have gotten to sleep early. I managed anyway.

I could not workout on New Year’s Day because the gym was closed so I spent a quiet day watching football. Actually the remainder of my time here was spent working my way through the last of the NFL season and most of the NCAA bowl games.

Somewhere in there Paul returned to the mainland and I had my castle all to myself. I kept busy drinking up the last of the beer and then had to go to Humpy’s to get more by the glass.

This is Wednesday my last day and I am cleaning up the place and getting ready to leave in the morning. It has been a great vacation here. It is not in my nature to stay in one place for very long these days but this place seems to calm me. I could stay here a lot longer but I have people to see, mostly doctors, and things to do. Well not really all that much to do. In any case it will be good to get home to Wrinkle Ranch and pick up my life there.

Thanks for reading. Next year I am thinking Key West for about a month. Let me know if you have a better idea or if you want to come along.

Aloha

Monday

This was a sad day because I had to return Dodie back to her workaday world in Manteca. That left me with Paul which did not seem very fair. But Dodie had to get back to her demanding public at Wrinkle Ranch so I took her to the airport and sent her on her way.

Once she left I took Paul to South Point. I was beginning to feel like a tour guide at this point as this was my third trip there in about ten days. And there is literally nothing there except wind. And some kids jumping into the ocean off of a cliff. Or maybe they just got blown off the cliff. There was a lot of screaming involved so I can’t be certain if they went over the edge willingly.

Back at the condo we watched Monday Night football and then had a cocktail at LuLu’s

12/27/2011

Tuesday

No longer having Dodie to distract me, it was back to working on the blog and back to the gym. Paul went out on a scuba trip.

I don’t know what else happened on this day. I may have killed off my last brain cell.

12/28/2011

Wednesday

After the usual trek to the gym Paul and I went over to Bubba Gump’s for lunch. Then we took a ride to the north end of the island to where a trail leads to Pololu beach. We hiked down what is a pretty steep and rugged trail to the black sand beach. There is a stream that pours into the ocean there. The valley inland looks like a Garden of Eden and it will probably stay that way for some time due to the threat of tsunami.

Pololu black sand beach

12/29/2011

Thursday

We decided to take one more trip to South Point and do the hike to Green Sand beach. There is a jeep trail to the beach but we decided it would be better to walk it.

The wind is usually pretty strong at this end of the island but today it was stronger than usual. While this made for some strong waves crashing on the shore it also kicked up a lot of sand to blow in our eyes.

After a brisk 3 mile walk we were looking down on Green Sand beach. The sand is made up of olivine or peridot and is a decided olive green. It was a long hike down from the edge to get to the actual beach.

Green Sand beach

We hiked back to the car and with the wind at our back it was a much nicer walk. By the time we got to the car we were filthy with trail dust to the point where it looked we had gotten a spray on tan.

Thursday

Crew Change

This was the day to change out room mates. Paul, the personal trainer at our neighborhood gym, was scheduled to arrive and Sheldon had to return to frosty Moose Jaw, Canada.

I picked up Paul at the airport in the morning and delivered Sheldon to the airport in the afternoon. Along with some visiting and catching up that pretty much filled up the day. We did manage to stroll through town, watch a game at Humpy’s, and have a cocktail at Rosa’s.

When I first arrived at this condo there was this beautiful bouquet of artificial flowers on the dining room table. I sniffed at them and pushed them to the back of the table and never thought about them again. About a week later the petals started falling off of the flowers and I thought I had reached a new low in my gardening abilities in that I was able to kill artificial flowers. Turns out they were not artificial after all. So I went down to the farmers market and bought some new ones-$10. They look artificial too.

$10 Flowers

12/23/2011

Friday

We took a ride over to Akaka Falls. As soon as we gained a little in altitude it started raining. It was raining quite hard at the falls so we darted out to take a peek and a picture and then sat in the car and had a picnic. The rain stopped as soon as we got back to our side of the island.

Akaka Falls

The ride over to the Hilo side is about 75 miles but it seems a lot longer. While it rarely rains in Kona, it never seems to stop on the Hilo side of the island. Kona has an annual rainfall of 10 inches while Hilo has an annual rainfall of over 200 inches.

12/24/2011

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve in Kona is pretty much like every other day in Kona- warm, breezy with a chance of showers. There are the decorated light poles in town and any number of inflatable Christmas displays on the street and carols playing but it is pretty hard to think about it being Christmas with the weather the way it is.

We did have a tree set up in the living room. I bought it at Long’s Drugs and had made Sheldon set it up before he had left. So we were all set. Dodie and I went out and got the last few fixings we needed for Christmas dinner which was mostly champagne for mimosas. That somehow managed to take all day. Or we just wasted the rest of the day. I can’t remember.

We had dinner at Bubba’s and then retired to the condo to watch “A Christmas Story”. Then it was early to bed to wait for Santa to arrive.

12/25/2011

Christmas

We awoke to the sound of singing from the nearby churches. After drinking a few mimosas and listening to the music I could almost believe I was in Bethlehem. We opened our Christmas gifts to each other and then we sent Paul off to snorkel with the dolphins. We made breakfast of soft boiled eggs. Making those took quite a while and I don’t think the mimosas helped.

When Paul returned we watched a movie and then fixed a late dinner of steak, potato and green beans. After watching a football game we went off to Huggo’s to listen to some music. It was a nice Hawaiian Christmas day.

Wednesday

We took a ride to Volcano national park. The park entrance is at 4000 feet and it was raining and cold. We, of course were dressed in shorts and flip flops. It looked like it was going to be a long drive for nothing.

Nothing like stating the obvious.

We continued on the Crater Rim road until it brought us back to the beach where the lava has recently been flowing out of the volcano. This was back at sea level, most beaches are, and the weather was nice and toasty and no longer raining. We got to walk out on the lava for a bit. It is always interesting to walk out on the newest part of the USA.

Dodie and Sheldon

Tuesday

I fixed Spam and eggs for everyone and then Dodie and I took off on a road trip. We first went to South Point so that Dodie could say she had been to the southernmost point of the US.

Dodie and Bob

Then it was on to Green Sands beach and I have no idea what that looks like since it is a 3 mile walk from the end of the road and I have never taken it. There are some guys that will drive you out there in this old rickety looking truck but I am not sure they would not murder you once they got you there.

Near green sand beach

Then on to Black Sand where we saw some honus (turtles) on the beach. Dodie really likes honus.

Tired turtle

We had a nice picnic there before turning around and heading home.

There is always something to worry about

12/20/2011

There are some things that happen on a trip like this that are just too good not to share. Unfortunately, for this Conch Man episode, it was mostly an audible experience but I will try to recreate it in words.

First: What is a conch? Well here ya go.

A conch is a common name which is applied to a number of different species of medium-sized to large sea snails or their shells, generally those which are large and have a high spire and a siphonal canal.

So now that we have that established let me continue with my Conch Man story. Dodie and I were sitting on the lanai at the condo in Kailua Kona having a cocktail. There is nothing unusual about that. The lanai is directly over the condo pool which is seven stories below us. The residents of the condo were preparing for a pot luck dinner to be held around the pool. They had decorated tables to eat at and other tables that were laden with dishes for them to enjoy. While we were invited, we had decided to pass as we had been out that day and did not know if we would return in time to participate. So we admired their layout and then sat back to enjoy our cocktails.

Our reverie was interrupted by this majestic trumpeting sound, ‘Paaahrooooooommmph”.

We jumped up and looked down to the pool where this man was holding a conch, one which he had just blown and made that sound or the audible equivalent. He was dress all in white with a red sash. After sounding the conch he walked majestically for a few feet and said some words that we could not hear from out high vantage point.

He then trumpeted the conch again,” Paahroooooommmph”. He said a few more words and then walked with measured footsteps until he was centered on the edge of the pool. He raised the conch instrument to his lips once more and this time we were ready for the trumpeting noise.

This time he brought it to his lips, took a big breath of air and then…….”phht”. Okay. Anyone can hit a bad note. Another breath of air and again to his lips, “phsst” which sounded more like a bicycle tire going flat than a conch being sounded properly.

Undaunted our sea snail musician gathered himself together for another try. By this time we were feeling a little bad for him. I mean he is putting it all out there as all great entertainers do and you just wanted it to go well for him.

Back to his lips. Deep Breath. Shoulders back. And with a mighty blow, “ PSSTH”.

I can feel sorry for someone and laugh at him at the same time. I did. With relish. I know I am going to go to hell for this but at some point you just have to enjoy the humor in all of this. I started giggling uncontrollably. Dodie tried to shush me less the man and the audience hear me.

I gathered myself together as there had been no re-attempt to blow the conch. So it was over. As I wiped the tears from my eyes I peered over the rail and he was still there. Preparing for another go at it! I was thinking,”Dude, give it up. It is just not a conch blowing kind of day.” But he didn’t listen. They never do.

After gathering himself up for a full minute or so you just knew he was going to be successful. I know God loves a good joke but enough is enough. We, on the top rail, were pulling for him. We were confident he had the skills. Back to his lips. Everyone was waiting. You could see people mimic his motions as though all of our collective positive energy would push him over the top on this one final try. We all inhaled with him. And then….this flatulent sounding,”phhmp”.

Now I am the floor of the lanai, laughing like a fool, luckily out of sight of the people down below who all had to maintain composed facial expressions. You gotta know some of them were having the same reaction as I was but they just couldn’t show it. I mean, they have to live with this guy. And I may be going to hell for laughing at someone else’s misfortune but I know I will have company because by now Dodie is laughing as hard as I am.

Our fit of laughing over we stood back up and observed once again knowing that the show was over. But it wasn’t! He was going to give it another shot! I almost yelled, “Don’t do it, Bubba!”’Get a kazoo for crying out loud. A kazoo won’t betray you.” “Just anything but please don’t try to blow that thing again as it is going to kill me if you fail”.

When he raised it to his lips again I had to avert my eyes. If you see a train wreck about to happen and there is nothing you can do about it, it is best just to look away. I really did not have to look away because there were so many tears in my eyes I couldn’t see anyway. I don’t know what happen but I do know that there was no majestic ‘Paaahrooooooommmph.” There was no joy in Mudville. Mighty Conch man had struck out.

Several minutes later we gathered ourselves together for another look. Mercifully, there was a hula dancer performing and Conch Man was no where to be seen. And that concluded the night’s entertainment.

Saturday

This was a day of switching rental cars. Sheldon had to have his in by a certain time and I could only pick mine up at a certain time and getting those two times to overlap was a bit of a challenge. But being two smart fellas we were able to manage that. Then it was a day of watching football. Pretty boring really.

12/18/2011

Sunday

On Sunday I shifted gears just a little. I did get to the gym and I did watch my usual football games. But in the afternoon I went to the airport and picked up Dodie who arrived to spend a week with me over Christmas. Dodie is my new girl friend. This is something we had been trying to keep under wraps for a while since she is the Social Director of the very small neighborhood we both live in. While we both love it there it is pretty much like living in a fish bowl and gossip is rampant. But at some point she had to let people know she was joining me in Hawaii for a week… so that cat is out of the bag. I think most people knew already. Dodie and I were just kidding ourselves that we could keep that quiet in any case.

Dodie arrived on schedule but her luggage did not. This is not exactly how you want to start a vacation but I had a good solution. Since she arrived at 3 o’clock and it is a state law that Happy Hour starts at 3 o’clock we sat out in the car and drank wine for a half hour. By that time the next flight from Honolulu had come in and her bag was on that flight. After two glasses of wine I am not sure she cared so much.

Once we got back to the condo we continued with happy hour and had some pupus. Then we went walk around town which is not a really long walk. But if one weaves a bit it makes it a little longer. We finally ended up at Rosa’s for one of Tio’s famous margaritas. We ran into Jeannie, who was already there, and were soon joined by Sheldon. So we had a nice visit. Then it was on to Huggo’s on the Rocks to listen to some music and to dance in the sand. As they say in Canada,” Not a bad life eh?”

12/19/2011

Monday

Mauna Kea

After a leisurely breakfast Dodie, Sheldon and I took off to Mauna Kea with the thought of driving all the way to the top. Mauna Kea is 13,796 feet above sea level and with the portion that is below the sea it is the tallest mountain in the world. Because of its location in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and being up above most of the clouds, it makes a great observation and weather forecasting site. There are several countries that lease a spot on the top of the mountain for this purpose. It receives no government funds at all and seems to be thriving in spite of that. Who would have thought that could happen?

We got to the Visitor’s Center which is at 9,000 feet and realized we had made a tactical error by arriving in flip flops and t-shirts to what was pretty much an Arctic climate. There were kids there dressed in their snowboarding outfits which was more fitting as it was 40 degrees with a fresh breeze blowing. The road to the top was barricaded. I asked one of the rangers if I could drive to the top and he told me they had the road closed for snow removal. I said, “Thank You” repeatedly. That answer worked for me as it was way too cold.

So we returned to the warm confines of our condo lanai and listened to the sound of the waves on the shore which is much better than the sound of chattering teeth. We watched a power delayed Monday Night Football and then wandered over to the ABC store to pick up some Spam for breakfast. We had a night cap at Rosa’s and looked at bartender Lea’s art. Another day wasted in paradise.

The other white meat

12/12/2011

Monday

Pretty Flower

Sheldon and I took a ride up to the north end of the island. We travelled through the lava fields that are near the airport and then very quickly entered another lush section of the island. Where the road ends is a wilderness area that is where King Kamehameha (also known as Kalani Paiʻea Wohi o Kaleikini Kealiʻikui Kamehameha o ʻIolani i Kaiwikapu kaui Ka Liholiho Kūnuiākea)was raised as a young boy. He was raised in this desolate area because it was feared that he would be killed by warring factions on the island. At the age of 14 he lifted the 5,000 pound Naha stone which meant he was destined to be king. I think it is more likely he had his thumb on the scale. If he could lift a 5,000 pound stone it does not seem like he would need much protection or that he would want to be king. He should have become a lineman in the NFL.

Palolu Beach

If you look at King Kamehameha’s full name you will notice that it makes full use of the entire Hawaiian alphabet. There are five vowels and 7 consonants. Every word must end in a vowel and every consonant must be followed by at least one vowel. Every syllable must end in a vowel. And that, dear friends, is why there are no spelling bee contests on Hawaii. Even the judges would not know if the word was spelled correctly.

Then we stopped on the way back in the town of Hawi for some lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Some Mexican vaqueros had been imported to help raise the cattle on the Parker ranch about 180 years ago. Now they are paniolo but their wives still make a good taco.

Then it was back south on the lush road next along the Kohala mountain range. The hills were very pretty rolling green hills with lots of live stock of all varieties. Then it was down the Mamalahoa Hwy back to Kona and some cold beers at Humpy’s. (I could be making up words like ‘Mamalahoa’ and none of you would know. You know you are not going to check.)

Monday night football at Humpy’s is a little more interesting in that they have a passing contest from the deck of the bar. These two cute girls put up a couple of garbage cans on the sand volleyball court and whoever wants to can try to pitch a nerf ball into the can. The one who makes the most ‘completions’ wins a prize. It was definitely more interesting than watching the Rams lose another one. This is what passes for entertainment in Kona-no pun intended.

This is just weird.

12/13/2011

Tuesday

So I did my normal routine and went to the gym this morning. I did have to hump a box full of goodies with me so I could go to the post office and mail it home for Christmas. I kind of felt like Santa Claus with a back pack full of goodies. Well, it was only the one package. And I was wearing flip flops. And I don’t have a beard. But I am fat enough so I am going with the Santa Claus analogy. I am working on being Big Kahuna though. I just need to get my belly a little browner.

Then it was up on the roof where I spent the entire day. Sheldon and Jeannie called and were wandering around town but I opted to stay on the roof. I eat, I read, I sleep up there. I am not sure why I rented the rest of the place. And now there is a guy fixing the roof on the place next door so I now have a project. I love projects where someone else does all of the work.

Sheldon and Jeannie eventually made their way to the roof where we sat and chatted for a while. Jennie called it an early night Sheldon and I retired to Rosa’s for some margaritas made by Capt. Tio and some shrimp cocktails by no one I know.

12/14/2011

Wednesday

Blue Gecko

Wednesday was a very quiet day. I had the usual trip to the gym followed by a trip to the post office to mail another package. They have automated tellers in this post office and perhaps in every post office for all I know. I would have to think that they are going to be the end of the post office as we know it.

I went up and read on the roof until a sprinkle made me go in. Rain is rare here and this was hardly what you could call a rain. Just a spritz. It was enough to make me concerned about my book getting wet so I went in. There is a point about a mile east of the condo where it seems to always be raining. It is amazing how just a few miles of distance can make for such a difference in climate.

I spent a quiet evening at home which was a first for me. I think I am becoming domesticated.

12/15/2011

Thursday

After my typical morning I got together with Sheldon and we went off for a ride to Disappearing Sands beach, Mokolea Beach and the town of Captain Cook. Now that all sounds like a lot to do but it only covered about 10 miles.

Beach has not disappeared yet.

Disappearing Sands or Magic beach is known for having all of its sand washed away in big storms. The beach is just black lava which is pretty much what the entire island is made of. There are not a lot of beaches here as the big island of Hawaii is the youngest of the Hawaiian chain and it has not had enough time to crush rock into sand. It is also the only state in the USA that gets larger every day as the lava flow Mauna Loa has been flowing into ocean, adding real estate, for about 20 years now with no sign of stopping.

Mokolea Beach is mostly tide pools formed by lava. There is a beach there but it seems like snorkeling is the activity of choice with the ubiquitous surfing.

From there we went to Captain Cook, which is a town, not a person. The person, Captain Cook was killed by the Hawaiians in 1779. At first they considered him a deity but on one of his returns to the Big Island he got into a disagreement and he was killed in a skirmish.

12/16/2011

Friday

Today I got the first in series of roommates. Sheldon’s rental ran out so he is occupying the upstairs loft until he goes back to Moose Jaw.

We went out and had some lunch at Bubba Gump’s and then it was time for my afternoon nap. After having a beer with Sheldon up on the roof we went over to Humpy’s to watch some college play off games. Then we split up and I eventually went over to Rosa’s to listen to the music. I found Jeannie there having dinner. It was not but a couple of minutes before we were joined once again by Sheldon. This is either a small town or I am in a rut.

12/5/2011

I have not been very good about writing on my blog. I have not been very good at doing anything. I have gotten very good at doing nothing. It is very easy to do nothing on an island. Especially on an island that I am going to be on for a while. If I don’t do anything today I can always get to it tomorrow.

I start out almost every day with a trip to the gym. It is a little less than a mile walk so I am warmed up by the time I get there. After my workout I usually pick up a few things at the Sack and Save supermarket.

The next part of the day I usually spend up on the roof. There is a really good view of the coast, hills and town. So I have been reading up there until huger or the need for a nap makes me come in.

And then it is three o’clock which is the official start of Happy Hour. Happy hour actually lasts three hours. I think it is a state law or something. It also happens to be when Sunday, Monday and Thursday Night Football start and there are lots of TV’s in my favorite bar, Humpy’s. There are 29 beers on tap at Humpy’s and I believe I have had one of each. The bartender now just mixes a couple of them together so there is a virtual unlimited number of beers on tap.

Sheldon usually shows up at some point. He is the wheat farmer from Moose Jaw, Canada who is escaping the Canadian winter here for a few weeks. Really, he is from Moose Jaw. I can’t make this stuff up. After we watch the game there we usually wander next door to Rosa’s Cantina for some Happy Hour margaritas and the best shrimp cocktail in town. Then it is early to bed with a good book. It is a simple life but I like it.

I did hear from my neighbor Nick, who steals from me, that they were having a cold snap in Manteca. He had gone in and turned the heat on in my house to supposedly protect the pipes from freezing. I am sure he just went in there to steal from me which is what he does when I am gone.

We had a bit of a cold snap here too. It must have dropped to the low seventies and I had to put a shirt on. I don’t think the pipes will break though.

12/7/2011

I woke up this morning to find a big inter-island cruise ship in the bay. The streets were crowded with snow white tourists that are doing nothing but running up prices and ruining things for us locals. They were gone by happy hour so we had the town back to ourselves. Luckily they only show up on Wednesday’s and sometimes on Sundays.

When I was at Rosa’s I met Tio the bartender. He is also a tournament fishing boat captain who is tending bar while awaiting a new boat to captain in Costa Rica. He told tales of landing 800 pound fish on 50 pound test line which seems like quite a feat. That is why it is a fish story I suppose. According to Capt. Tio once you catch a big fish the next challenge is to catch it on light tackle and then to land it in record time. He claims to have 6 records in this extreme arena of fishing. He makes a good margarita so I forgave him any exaggeration.

Excerpt from Hawaiian International Billfish Tournament

second place in this year’s HIBT. “I’ve been “”But the story of the tournament goes to HIBT team #8 Out Of The Blue from Waianae, Oahu. Fishing today aboard the Miss Mojo, captained by Tio Kearney, angler Ted Morikawa boated a whopping 779-pound Pacific blue marlin, earning his team second place in this year’s HIBT. “I’ve been fishing in the HIBT for three years and I guess you could say three’s a charm,” said Morikawa. “Captain Kearney encouraged us to fish on live bait. We set up the bait, trolled for a bit and bingo!” As the largest fish of the day and the tournament, Out Of The Blue finished with 1479 points on the scoreboard in the HIBT for three years and I guess you could say three’s a charm,”

There is also this weird contraption out behind the bars that is called a fish pipe. One gets in it, they add about twelve gallons of water and then it rotates and you supposedly do whatever. Looks like fun but I got to wondering how big a margarita you could make with this thing.

Fish pipe girl

12/8/2011

On Thursday I did the usual routine before heading over to Rosa’s for margaritas. Sheldon and I were joined at the bar by this lady from California, Jeannie. When I asked her where in California she came from she said I would not know where it was. Her home town is Rio Vista which is a few miles from where I live in Manteca. She could not believe I was from there but I was wearing my Willow Berm Marina shirt which is a marina that is very near Rio Vista. So it is a small world. We drank to that.

12/9/2011

Friday. I skipped the workout and went on a car tour with Sheldon. He has been renting this car and not using it so we thought it would be a good idea to ride around the island. Done at a leisurely pace this takes all day. It is about 75 miles around the southern end of the island and about the same around the north end. I know 150 miles does not sound like a lot but Hawaii has such varied climates that you see a lot in that short of time. For instance it rarely rains in Kona and it rarely stops in Hilo on the eastern side of the island.

I like old trucks

First we went to South Point which is the southernmost point in Hawaii and therefore the southernmost point in the USA. There is not much out there but the remains of a space shot tracking station and the remains of a wind farm. The wind mills at the wind farm are out of date and rusting apart and pretty much an eye sore. I wonder if anyone took into account the cost of cleaning that mess up when they were getting all of that supposedly free electricity.

But we did find a guy fishing off of the cliff there. He would tie an inflated garbage bag to his line and then let the wind take his rig out to sea. I mean like way out ! It probably went about a third of a mile off shore which put him in some pretty deep water. He had a bright orange bottle tied to his down rigger and it would sink when he had a fish on and then he would reel it in. Interesting.

Black sand beach

We next stopped at Black Sands Beach which is really pretty. Normally there are big sea turtles sleeping on the beach but they had all gone back out to sea by the time we got there. So we pushed on.

As we headed into Volcano national park we started climbing. As soon as we got to the summit it started rainy. We went from the desolate lava fields to a rain forest in a couple of miles. We drove into Hilo which is a pretty industrialized and rather normal town that is not dependent on tourist trade. We had pizza for lunch and then headed back to Kona using the northern end of the island

At the top end of the island we went through Parker Ranch which has 30-35,000 head of cattle. It was started when John Parker jumped ship with a musket and King Kamehameha let him shoot the cattle that were on the island. The herd had started with 5 head that were left by English visitors. Apparently they liked honey mooning in Hawaii and they had become so numerous they were pests. So John Parker got to shoot them with his musket and turn them in to salt beef and it became a big export for the island. John later married into the family and the very large Parker Ranch was started and is still there today. I don’t know how big it is but it has 850 miles of fence. I wonder who measured that. On an island that measure 75 miles wide and 95 miles high, that much fence show go around the island a couple of times.

We eventually got back to Kona and called it a night.

12/10/2011

Saturday.

I went to the gym and then came home and had a pineapple for a snack. The fruit is so good here it is hard not to eat a lot of it

Then I wandered down to the street and watched The Moppets put on the Christmas story. There were all of these mops made up as sheep and camels and wise men and there were kids behind this back drop making them act out finding the baby Jesus. It was all set to modern music and really quite entertaining.

The moppets

After messing around all day I went over to Humpy’s and was soon joined by Sheldon and Jeanie. Soon after they arrived the Kona Christmas parade started and it was quite the spectacle in a small town sort of way. Everyone who was not in the parade was lining the streets and watching it. The announcers were on the balcony of Humpy’s so we got an adequate description of every entry as they went by. It must have lasted and hour and a half.

We went on my roof and had a beer. My roof top is the best part of this condo. I spend a lot of time out there.

Grand Marshall

Island Christmas Sunset