July 14th, 2014
I am not proud that I have watched 26 episodes of ‘The Walking Dead’ in the last six days. I use to have a really bad ‘Breaking Bald’ problem. So much so that people told me that I looked like Bryan Cranston. They were telling me that I looked like Gandhi last week in Venice Beach, so you can’t go by what people say. They don’t know.
But I felt bad about being such a slug. I did play six softball games during that time. And my first book hit Amazon.com. But no one remembers that. They just remember the guy sitting on his couch in his underwear eating Cheese Puffs and watching biters endlessly get their heads smashed.
So I decided to do my part and go zombie hunting. I could have gone to the closest Wal-Mart, but come on: What sport is there in that? I decided to range further afield and go north to where the prime herds of walkers are found. I also decided to take my three-legged burro on its never-been-used trailer. So off I went, looking for those soft headed suckers so desperately in need a brain shot to keep them from endlessly roaming the earth.
I made a stop in Grants Pass, OR. to visit my friends John and Sharon Warren. John and I have been on many an adventure and certainly he would be my first choice for Assistant to the Zombie Hunter. But he declined. Some people don’t get it. Some people don’t understand the threat.
I did get a Zombie License in Oregon. While pot is pretty much legal here, one would not want to be caught sticking a zombie in the eye without a license.
I made it as far as Eugene, OR and met my new best friend Mike Schockly from Missouri while checking into the world’s worse Days Inn. Some of you will remember that my accommodation requirements are not all that high. I just like to leave with all the body organs I checked in with. But one has to make sacrifices to find zombies. There were none here but I didn’t check every room.
Mike and I went off for a long dinner, and while Mike was a Missouri State Trooper he was not up for zombie hunting either. And he had a gun! A gun would have been good because you have to hit them in the brain. But after a nice dinner of more meat and bread than I have eaten in six months we decided that I was on my own, as I so often am. So I went back to my room and spent a restless night considering my next move. Maybe I will just take a class.
Ages 14-17 Stealth, Archery & Zombie Survival Training includes
• mobile camp around local Greenspaces and beyond
• wilderness survival skills to lead and protect your village: shelter, water, fire and food
• zombie archery training
• zombie stealth and zombie evasion
• zombie sensitivity training and appreciation
• intense action zombie training scenarios
• zombie camouflage and disguise (make yourself into a zombie with our creature shop experts)
• zombie lore
• Awareness building! Learn why zombies ate other campers and how to avoid their fate
• animal tracking and predator & prey strategies
• chainsaws (safely)
• alternative transportation
• hand to hand combat with the undead